Robotic Tapeworms Save the Future
Posted by erin at February 10, 2003 01:08 PMIn case you haven't watched the news, or picked up a newspaper, or had any contact with the media in any way in the last 3 to 5 years (possibly because of a jail sentence, bio-dome project, or hermittude) you might not know that Americans are getting fatter and fatter. Average weights are up, even in children (especially in children...) and the number-one killer of adults is heart disease, a known cause of which is obesity.
I predict that we will have to suffer this trend for a few more years, but only until such a time that nanotechnology takes off. At that point, the way I figure, robotic tapeworms will be able to keep us all thin and relatively healthy by processing excess calories that we consume before they get turned into fat. Unlike real tapeworms, which consume nutrients until you die (or it dies), robotic tapeworms could be programmed to only eat things like saturated fat and not things with actual nutritional value. These robotic parasites could then turn the fats and oils into something indigestible, something that would be naturally excreted by the body.
Think of how great it will be in the future when we have a cure for fatness! There will be more room on the subway! America's malls and amusement parks will cease to be hideous eyesores! Everyone's asses will fit nicely into coach seats on airplanes!
Best of all, we won't have to see any more stock footage of fat people on the evening news!
In the meantime I've lost 10 pounds on Weight Watchers.
Comments Individual Archive Index
February 10, 2003 08:16 PM, Maggie said:
I lost 5 pounds so far in Seattle. It means I am slowly wasting away...
February 10, 2003 08:17 PM, Maggie said:
Anyway, robotic tapeworms! Woo! This is even better than the bed of cheese.
February 10, 2003 10:41 PM, Halifax said:
I removed my robotic tapeworm and stuck it in my bed of cheese. Now it noshes cheese while I eat like a pig!
February 10, 2003 11:41 PM, Agnieszka said:
AAAACK.
Hal, I am never coming to your house again.
February 11, 2003 01:06 AM, Erin said:
If the worm is eating your cheese bed, it must make sleeping rather uncomfortable.
I'm just guessing.
February 11, 2003 07:10 PM, Kari said:
Did you know a crazy artist actually made a chair of cheese, made Twiggy a dress out of cheese, and then covered an entire house in melted cheese?
February 12, 2003 12:35 AM, Agnieszka said:
Further proof of the Death of the West.
February 12, 2003 02:59 AM, Halifax said:
Actually, I think Twiggy with cheese might taste good...
February 12, 2003 09:23 AM, Erin said:
Covering a house with cheese is awesome!!!
February 12, 2003 07:35 PM, Kari said:
Here's the guy:
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