Appleseed in Ten Minutes
Posted by erin at January 18, 2005 07:02 PMHere's my synopsis of the new Appleseed movie. Seeing it was a story unto itself, which I'll tell later. Meanwhile I'd like to point out that Appleseed was first a manga, then a 2-episode OVA, and now it's a 3-D movie.
Blah blah spoiler-warning.
The New Appleseed Movie in Ten Minutes:
The film opens on a shoot-out in a bombed-out city. "I can't wait to play this scene in the video game!" the viewers think giddily.
Later the protagonist (hot super-soldier of the future!) Deunan wakes up in the perfect utopian city. OR IS IT?! "Bioroid" robot-girl Hitomi explains the horrible, horrible tensions that we know will shake the city to its core and possibly destroy the human race by the end of the film, if not in the next 20 minutes.
Hitomi explains, "I'm an idiot, and a totally unsympathetic, poorly animated character. But actually you're supposed to care about my untimely death, because my fate is cheesily tied to the fate of the Ring, and to Middle Earth."
Hitomi ads: "Here in the future, our roads are made of glass, which leads to a lot of traction problems."
Deunan: "We're being followed! You be useless while I go kick ass!"
Then there's an awesome mono-whip battle scene! Only watch this scene, it's the only worthwhile thing in the film.
Some old guys in floating wheelchairs explain the mechanics of this soon-to-be-dystopian future world. Mostly, they tell you how robots can't have sex.
We also learn that Deunan's ex-boyfriend Briareos has had most of his man-parts replaced with robot parts. In fact, he's pretty much a robot. Is he a robot where it counts? Who knows! He and Deunan have sort of broken up.
Deunan starts training with the future-cops, and kicks all their asses at paintball. It's a good scene, but the scene after that is terrible. She and Briareos fight:
Briareos: "You could've gone easier on the rookies!"
Deunan: "Why are you acting like such a tool? We used to go out, you know!"
Briareos: "I can't handle my new robotic feelings. Also I'm played by a bad voice actor."
We're introduced to high-ranking bioroid Athena, who looks like a bad guy and is really poorly animated.
Athena: "Oh Deunan, if only I weren't so badly animated, you'd realize I was a good guy."
There's a scene where Deunan tries on some powered armor. Before she's had a chance to use it a siren goes off! There's a terrorist attack and Deunan takes off with the other powered-armor cops to go check it out, despite her, how shall we say, Gundam-esque lack of training in piloting powered armor.
OMG, the terrorists have blown up the bioroid factory and now all the robots-babies are dead and all the robot-adults will die in a couple of days!!! As well as Hitomi. But who cares!?
Deunan and her robot-ex-boyfriend Briareos go to Deunan's mother's lab, on a mission to find "Appleseed". A bunch of bad guys who you've never seen before show up and explain one by one what their backstory is and what their individual motivations are for wanting to kill Deunan. Example:
Pluto: "Deunan, I hated your super-scientist mother and super-soldier father and everything they stood for and were working towards. There's a little bit of your father's DNA in every bioroid in the city, so every time I kill a bioroid it's like getting a little bit of revenge on your [dead] dad! But now I'm going to kill you, and you share A LOT of DNA with your father! This is gonna be great!"
Naturally Deunan and Briareos escape and fall into the ocean.
At this point I should mention that Briareos is an 800-pound robot. That doesn't stop Deunan from carrying him to shore. Who knows? Maybe they walked along the bottom.
Briareos coughs (guess they didn't replace his lungs with robot parts) and is about to die.
Briareos: "Deunan, I have to tell you something."
Deunan: "Shut up, Briareos."
OH IF ONLY HE HAD LISTENED!! But instead, Briareos has a long death monologue that teaches us all a lesson in "on-the-nose dialog" and why screenwriters should never use it.
Fade to black. Oh wait, fade up to white because that mechanic guy from two scenes ago saves Briareos's life.
Deunan gives Athena that pendant she carries with her what has Appleseed in it.
Athena: "Thank you Deunan, now bioroids can have sex.... well, except me. For a robot chick I'm pretty ugly."
Deunan: "Don't worry Athena, you'll find someone. What about Hitomi? I think she's gay. And she's annoying as hell, so it's not like she has prospects, if you know what I mean."
Athena: "Are you nuts? Those floating wheelchairs guys are all over her! I can't stand up against the city Parliament."
Deunan: "Sure you can. Those guys are totally corrupt. In fact, they're trying to destroy the city right now by sending giant mobile fortress robots to unleash the plague that will kill us all.
Athena: "No shit! Really?"
Hitomi: "Cough! Cough! Hey guys, I know how to stop the mobile fortresses. Here's how! Psssst psssst pssssst [etc., whispering]."
Even though you thought the movie was over, there's a giant mobile-fortress battle scene. Briareos might die again, falling off the giant machine, but Deunan catches him, with one arm, even though he weighs 800 pounds.
If there was any justice in the universe Deunan's arm would rip off. But it doesn't. Instead we get to hear choice lines like:
Briareos: "Deunan, let go. You have to type the password to stop the fortress."
Deunan: "No, Briareos. I don't want to lose you again."The keyboard on the mobile-fortress starts shorting out and Deunan can't get the "M" key to work to type the password.
Deunan: "Hey Briareos, this 'M' key is broke. Will you give me your 'M' key? You've probably got a keyboard in there somewhere, right?"
Briareos: "I don't remember this scene from the manga. Plus I don't think keyboards work that way, Deunan."
The movie ends with bioroid sex-orgies. OK, maybe not. But it seems like it probably ought to.
Comments Individual Archive Index
January 19, 2005 01:07 AM, Halifax said:
>despite her, how shall we say, *Gundam-esque* lack of training in piloting powered armor.
Now that sounds like a Tycho line.
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