Alright, so, the bathroom

I read a livejournal post by someone I don't even know which reminded me of an entry I started long ago, back when I had nothing to do at work, detailing the freakishness of NYC bathrooms. I hold a special place in my heart for peculiar East Village bar/restaurant bathrooms, which are often so tiny the door to the stall hits your knees, the toilet is only 10 inches from the ground, on which there are puddles of standing water, water that could not possibly be generated by a sink so tiny it must have been custom-ordered.

In Michigan most buildings are handicap accessible, apparently because of some laws that passed in the mid-1990's coupled with a growing population of elderly people. Almost every public building has a ramp out front and one stall that's extra wide with handles. This includes restaurants. In NYC everywhere seems pretty anti-wheelchair, but particularly the restrooms! I thought I'd seen a thing or two in highway rest stops, but those have got nothing on the freakishness of some NYC bathrooms. I don't refer, necessarily, to uncleanliness, but rather, to weird fixtures and treacherous hallways and non-standard narrow doors.

I guess it doesn't really matter - if you're 300 pounds, or if you 90 years old and walk with a cane, you're probably not going to eat in the East Village since you won't be able to navigate the narrow spaces between the tables anyway.

I particularly enjoyed this comment about the weird bathroom etiquette of Japan. They knock back?! Are you serious?

Anyway here's my beta version of the NYC Bathroom Rating System. A bathroom starts with 100 points, but loses points for uncleanliness, as listed in the first part. After that are weird NYC things, so the bathroom gets "weirdness" points not to be added to the other points. The final section is for Midwestern bathrooms, which subtracts from weirdness points.

So you end up with a score that's like:

This bathroom gets 75 points for cleanliness, plus 220 weirdness points.

But again, I've never tested this, so who knows?

New York City Bathroom Rating System

Points
Basic Essentials:

Bathroom has a...

10 Working toilet
10 Working sink
10 Toilet paper
10 Paper towels (and/or...)
10 Hand Dryer (or Paper towels)
10 Handsoap
10 A Door to the Room
10 A Door on the Stall
10 A Mirror
10 A working lock on the stall

General Untidiness:

-5 No Toilet Paper (in your stall/one stall only)
-10 No Toilet Paper in any stall (multi-stall only)
-2 Excess of TP on the floor
-5 Sink is disgusting
-10 No Paper Towels
-5 No Handsoap
-5 Hand Dryer is Busted
-5 Horrible Unflushed Atrocities
-10 Smells like Latrine
-15 Puddle(s) of water (?) on floor
-2 Mirror is dirty
-15 Mirror is broken
-15 Door missing from one stall
-20 No Door on any stall (-10 extra points for Ladies' room)
-5 Broken stall lock
-7 Stall lock completely removed
-10 Door won't close
-10 Stall Door swings open at bad times
-5 Stall Door is ill-fitted to frame
-5 Long line to get to the bathroom
-10 Bathroom key tethered to large object to prevent theft
-10 Toilet will not flush
-5 Toilet won't stop flushing
-15 Flushing the toilet causes a small geyser to shoot across the stall
-5 "For a good time call..." written on wall
-5 Light is buzzing/flickering.

Unique Elements of NYC Bathrooms:

NYC Bathroom Construction Problems

10w No mirror
20w Freakishly Small sink
5w Sink with only one water temperature/other knob broken
10w Mysterious Step(s) up/down inside the bathroom
15w Extremely narrow stall (no fatties!)
10w Hopelessly inaccessible for the disabled
5w Bathroom is located down mysterious stairs
10w Bathroom is located beyond several unmarked doors
8w Bathroom is located in a crowded narrow hallway, and by waiting for it people have to squish past you.
15w Stall Door weirdly too high (look at my knees!)
5w Stall Door with crazy gaps in frame (onlookers can clearly see you)
20w Toilet is weirdly low to the ground
30w Toilet is weirdly tall

NYC Bathroom Reading

5w Hand-written sign telling you not to put paper towels in the toilet.
10w Bonus points if any handwritten signs are in broken english
20w ... Double points if broken english signs are not handwritten
30w Sign on bathroom that says "no messengers" (this happens in offices)
10w A sign instructing you to hold down the handle until flushing is complete.
5w There is no sign, but you know you must hold down the handle.
5w Mens/Women sign missing from one door
10w Mens/Women sign missing from both doors, or all Unisex bathrooms
15w Mens/Women signs too avant guard to read
20w Mens/Women signs in language other than English or Spanish
5w Advertisements inside the stall (usually for alcohol)
10w Stickers advertising bands on bathroom walls/mirrors
25w Stickers for bands also on toilet seat
5w Graffiti "tags" on walls
15w Poetry/intellectual quotes on walls
15w Anti-gay slogans written on walls (example; "I love cock! Dykes are stupid!" etc.)
10w Pro-gay sentiment on walls
25w Graffiti in foreign languages other than Spanish
25w Graffiti is scratched in rather than written

NYC Bathrooms and Other People

10w You wait 15 minutes or more, and a homeless person finally leaves the stall
40w You witness a homeless person sponge-bathing at the sink.
10w ... bonus points if you're not in Port Authority at the time.
20w ... bonus points if you can't use the/any sink because of it.
20w Bugs in bathroom
10w Bonus points for large cockroaches
100w Bonus points for fighting off a rat to use toilet/sink

NYC Bathroom Cleanliness Problems

50w Bathroom light burt out.
40w Bathroom lightbulb weird color (example; red).
50w No evidence that there were ever paper towels/hand dryers
50w Unidentifiable smell that's not originating from the bathroom

The NYC Posh Bathroom

50w Office Bathroom has lit candles
75w Bathroom Attendant employed
50w Fancy bathroom has free samples of soaps/perfumes/whatever
50w Hair dryers provided (outside of gym)
30w Creative Paper Towel Dispenser
40w Creative Toilet Paper Holder

The NYC "Public" Bathroom

5w Empty Starbucks cup on floor/sink/wherever
10w ...and you're not in a Starbucks bathroom
100w Glory hole? (I'm not telling you what it is.)
40w A key is not enough, someone must "buzz you in" to the bathroom.
100w Bathroom is "public" in a subway station, but locked forever (conditions inside unknown)
150w Public Subway bathroom open for use of public!
100w Public Bathroom that is freakishly clean

For Comparison:

Weird Midwestern Bathrooms

-50w That "Footprints" Poem framed on wall
-50w Framed paintings of naked kids bathing
-10w Fake flowers
-5w Scented candles (poiints per candle
-10w ... bonus points if continually lit
-15w Can of air freshener on back of toilet
-20w Hand Lotion in single male's apartment
-25w ... bonus points if it's scented

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